I had my recent appointment and she still didn’t give me the date.

I have to go into the office tomorrow and have an Endometrial Cancer Biopsy. She explained I need to get this done in order to know the type of hysterectomy I will need, I think this is related to if I can keep some parts or not. I have looked into it aka googling what this is and what it involves and from the sounds of it this will be unpleasant.

I’m not going to lie, I am horrified.

I have had several biopsies in the past, breast tissue, skin tissue, even intestinal tissue so you’d maybe think I wouldn’t be nervous but I am shaking in my boots, I feel as if this will be coring me like a pineapple. Just have to keep reminding myself I am not a fruit, I am strong and I need to do this to get the surgery I need to improve my life.

Thankfully I was advised to take painkillers 30 minutes before this procedure. I was not warned or really informed much at all about the IUD prior to its insertion, especially when you consider my age at the time (16). It is kind of shocking to think back at the lack of information I had about the Mirena before getting it considering I had later broken it inside of my body which led to it needing to be removed from my navel under anesthesia. It’s worth mentioning though that I woke up from that surgery without any incisions because they were able to do it vaginally. I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they found a piece of it still hiding in there.

I remember waking up from that procedure and them informing me with much enthusiasm (which I did not understand), I feel very uncomfortable with medical instruments inside of my vagina. All I know so far about my coming surgery is that my uterus is too large to come out that way. Which makes me feel a few different ways. Considering whole babies come out of vaginas it’s kind of hard to comprehend the size of it in regards to other items, like a football, would it fit in an ice cream bucket?

I just finished my cycle which was the standard: cannot get out of bed, can’t stand for periods of time, headaches and unbearable cramps leading to nausea. But this particular cycle left me constipated when typically I will have an episode at the start of my cycle. This morning started pretty gently and got worse until I assumed I ran out of matter to move out of my bowels. I feel really weak now and somehow still bloated. I took a stool softener yesterday because it had been days and days since I went and I have a bit of a fear of poo meds from bad experiences with laxatives in the past, so I also really wanted to test out the softeners before surgery because I have heard a lot about those from other women and medical blogs. I think they helped me pass it without seeing stars and going into shock on the toilet, which at this point for me is a blessing despite it still being uncomfortable. 

I can’t shake the feeling of “Is this all just anxiety?” Despite talking to the surgeon and having her confirm my uterus is very large and approving/validating my need for surgery. It’s a weird feeling, like at what point will it feel real?  Maybe it won’t ever feel real in the same sense that you don’t start to feel grown one day, you just grow up with your same thoughts and feelings but in a bigger body. I wonder if years from now I will still feel that way. It could also be a stage of grief, denial. Hopefully that doesn’t mean my next blog will be angry.

Wish me luck…