Where I live there is an app that people can use that shows you all your medical results, upcoming tests and appointments. It doesn’t work great, in fact it only works with my therapist for appointments but I mention it because It works fine for showing you results of your tests. I am now sitting with the complicated and confusing results of my biopsy with my appointment to go over then with my doctor still not being for another 10 days. I don’t want to share the actual results in full detail because I’m not a doctor and cannot for sure say what they mean.

Having the results not say “normal” is such a weird feeling, after being told after all the tests I have had in the past that I am fine and this and that look good. To finally have a test that says it is not fine is a bit of a bitter sweet relief because on one hand they have likely found what is making me sick and in pain all of the time but on the other hand I obviously don’t want to have cancer. It is hard to feel sick all the time and to be nearly constantly in pain without knowing why. I have had moments I just want to yell “why” out to the heavens, I don’t deserve to be suffering like this for decades.

I have an answer now but it is as if it was given to me in another language. Sitting with these big and unfamiliar words is horrifying, do I Google them, should I just wait? Well of course I should wait to talk it over with my doctor but I can’t help it, I have to google terms like “proliferative”. I am only human although the searches make me spiral in my thoughts; Like is that just the Adenomyosis? is it cancer? Just my period? Well Google says it is cancer but this isn’t the first time I have read my own test results and thought I had cancer to then later be told by the doctor that I am actually fine.

An especially scary thing that the results said was “This sample/or test request was received with a minor deficiency” kind of sounds like that means that something was wrong with the sample. Just the thought of possibly needing to do this test again I think is scarier than cancer but maybe that is because I have already been planning to remove the organ. There is just no way I could allow her to do that to me again so soon, maybe in a few months after I and my uterus tissue have forgotten the discomfort from the first. Test it more once it is on a table and not inside of my vagina. I don’t know how I am going to manage my stress until my appointment.