Chapter two, I will be posting more often and more candidly by writing on my phone and then editing them while I format them for my site. By keeping track of the feelings I am experiencing in the moment day to day to maintain a good sense of my actual experience internally both to help other women and to help myself recollect my experience as well. 

Since getting the date I’ve started a bit of a mental countdown. 80 days, 79 days, 75 days, now 73 days until then. Funny how my mind does that. I worry it’ll make it become more intimidating now knowing the day. 

I’ve also started my period and the first day (yesterday) was technically mild. Still quite painful, draining and nauseating but I found myself saying like maybe it’s too much to have a hysterectomy or maybe I’m over thinking or I don’t know. It is crazy to have been thinking that way because of how my period is already at 7 am the following day. 

I’m in total agony. I’m finding myself unable to pay attention to my comfort show even. I am having contractions in my pelvis (front and back) as my body seems to push out large clumps and gushes of blood forcing me to sit in the bathroom and mope. I am also feeling a constant 8 out of ten cramping that radiates down to my knees and up into my ribcage.

I took an extra strength Mortin and set a timer to take another later. I very rarely take things for pain but the pain while menstruating is unmeasurable agony. It’s important I remember that it isn’t just the constant aches and pains I feel, or the shooting pains that stop me mid sentence, or even the heat flashes or volume of blood. It is the unbearable and debilitating menstruation I am feeling now and it is the bowel movements that put my body into full shock with cold sweats, dizziness, heavy head, dry mouth, numbness all in my body. It’s not good for a lady to have to worry they’re going to actually stop breathing just trying to use the toilet and to need to call out when I cannot form words pathetically because I need help in the bathroom. 

The pain this morning is unbearable but the Motrin may be starting to kick in a little and I have the heat-pad on high now in my high waisted pants. I will need to go to therapy today like this and I was unable to go swimming with my niece yesterday which I’ve been waiting to do this summer still. It’s just kind of crazy because the severity yesterday was down so much that I was gaslighting myself into thinking I may not need this surgery but certainly I know that maybe it was tricking me. 

It can be weird like that and other women can agree but it’s like it knows sometimes. Like they say when you remove an IUD “it comes back with a vengeance” regarding your period coming back after being gone. And I found that true. So I am thinking maybe my uterus is aware that this is its second last period. Uterus’ are a bit with the moon sometimes it feels. They shift with the oceans. I hope my life is easier without it.