There is 9 days now until my surgery. It’s very scary knowing that it’s just next week nearly. When I realized at every numeral checkpoint my blood runs cold. I am deeply struggling with anxiety and having mini panic attacks. I didn’t think it was panic attacks because they used to be really intense and make me sick but after my most recent therapy appointment she confirmed I am having panic attacks but I am okay I am trying to stay optimistic.

Everyone in my family who’s had this done says its amazing and they’re better off and I trust I will be too. I just gotta get threw the next 9 days then the scariest part will be over and I will be onto healing. Knowing the date and counting down has been intense but I cannot help it, every day I remember how many days from the day before.. 19 days, 15 days, two weeks, 10 days and now single digit days. Only 4 and a half working days left before I go on my leave. And after Tuesday it’ll be the Wednesday before my surgery and then the Friday before my surgery then the day before.

I am also worried about getting paid and applying on time and all that for my income but it is nothing compared to the intense fear of being sedated.  It’s very hard to not think about all of the time. I have found that if I do forget and distract from it when I realize again I fall into another mini panic attack.  I’ve been successful in combatting most of the panic but it’s been pretty persistent. The anticipation now has become torturous. I’ve struggled to find videos and content talking about how just scary it is waiting. 

I have been setting reminders in my phone for things to ask the doctor and I have been preparing my home as much as I can, preparing makes me feel a bit better. We got large pillows to help me prop up on the couch (because our bed is up a flight of stairs). I washed a few blankets and a flat sheet to put over the couch on the spot I aim to settle when we get me home from the hospital. I’ve also been collecting meds like gas X, laxatives, stool softeners, cough drops, puke bags and gravols of all sorts. As well as easy to eat foods like cream of wheat, jellos, puddings, freezies/ice pops, apple sauce. 

I must have 12 reminders in my phone already, for the day before and then the day of because it’s so important to me to remember to ask about things like vaginal care, the doctors notes, I want to know about HRT and ovulation without a uterus assuming they can keep an ovary or hopefully two.